I’m always amazed when I’m sitting in traffic and I flip on my turn signal and immediately someone lets me over. Then I’m like “oh yeah, sometimes I drive a Honda”.
The route 71: Where personal Hygiene becomes a public problem.
So I’m cruising around Watsonville as a route 75 and this dude gets on at Freedom center. He has that sheepish, stereotypical ‘I’m gonna hit on you face so I raise my eyebrow and glare at him through my polarized aviators and mentally dare him to say something stupid.
He says “I don’t like to hit on bus drivers but I have to tell you that your skin is so beautiful.”
And I’m like wtf? Of all the bullshit lines this guy could have pulled out of his ass and he compliments my skin. The same fucking skin that I’ve committed myself to twice daily applications of overpriced moisturizer and a once daily dose of way to expensive MAC foundation! I yell “compliment accepted!” before my brain can tell my mouth to STFU and then I do this awkward fist pump-air punch thing. Because in that moment I felt like all my poor spending habits had just been vindicated in that single sentence.
The dude calmly walks to his seat while I take a moment to reevaluate my life’s priorities. My mind gives me about 5 seconds before it flashes to that scene in Hannibal when that creepy dude is like “it puts the lotion on the skin!”
Never try to be productive at Starbucks while on a break and in uniform. The people will find you.
I pull up to lane 2 about 7 minutes before my departure time so technically I have at least 2 minutes to fuck off before I load and to be honest it’s more like 6 minutes because there is only two people waiting for me.
As soon as I stop the bus Little Dude comes up to the door. I try to ignore him but he’s standing there with a dopey grin on his face so instead of giving him my usual surly “it’s my fucking break time” face I open the door and let him know it’s going to be a couple minutes before I start to load. He smiles and tells me he’s just getting his money ready for when it’s actually time to load. It’s totally my lucky day because he’s obviously tarded and even more obviously adorable. He looks like a little brown bug with big eyes and a bald head and the dumbest grin I’ve seen all week.
I pretend to check out my bus because now I feel kind of like an asshole for making the kid stand out in the cold while I fuck around on Facebook. I open the doors and let him and the other passenger in. He keeps reciting “highway 17 San Jose” over and over along with the announcements that the bus is making. A testament to his cuteness is that I didn’t immediately want to strangle him until his little bug eyes popped out. The whole way over the hill he’s bobbing and dancing to what appears to be the music in his own head because the little fucker wasn’t wearing headphones and my ears have been finely tuned to pick up on even the quietest of speakers because the metro gods forbid me to pass up any opportunity to shut down those damn UC kids. Anyway, I’m almost completely down the far side of he hill and Little Dude comes up to me to ask what time we will get to “Deeidon station”.
“Heh, idk bro, like 20-25 minutes. I guess it all depends on traffic.”
He stands there deep in thought for a minute and then pulls some beef jerky out of his pocket and hands it to me. “Here because you might get hungry. I always get hungry on these long bus rides.” In my head I’m like “best friend!” But out like I say “thanks man, I appreciate it.” Because I’m a fucking professional.
Then he stands sideway and act like he’s riding the bus like a surf board as I go over a few bumps. Then he says “wow! That’s so much better than a jump house!” And he walks back to his seat. I’m totally smitten already but no, little fucker isn’t done being adorable. We get to “Deeidon station” and he tells me it was the best ride ever and says he’s gonna check my bus for stuff on his way out so I don’t have to get up. I might have been offended by his implication that I’m a lazy-fatty of a bus driver but when someone offers me snacks and then does my job for me I’ll be he last to complain.
Happy Wednesday. 🙂
Lady: Excuse me! Are you trying to catch the bus?
Me: Um… No. I’m gonna drive it.
She gives me a look that clearly states how much shit she thinks I’m full of.
Me: You can’t see my badge because it’s cold and I’m wearing this non approved black jacket.
I unzip my jacket to reveal the blue of my shirt.
Me: See? Metro blue. 🙂 that’s my bus over there. The one that says 35.
She’s clearly not buying what I’m selling so I start to walk away.
Lady: Okay, so I’m trying to go to Vegas and I need to catch the bus to Vegas because I live in Vegas and I really need to get home and…
Me: Whoa, whoa, I didn’t say I’m a greyhound driver. You should ask a security guard. I gotta go…
You had your chance, Bitch.